Author: coreykupfer

We’ve learned the importance of connecting to a powerful context when we enter into a negotiation. As we move ahead on the road of great negotiating, our context is our magnetic north. It can change based on our position, but it should always point toward our objectives, helping us get the most out of our deals.

The next step to becoming a great negotiator is even more important.

Be willing to do what it takes to get to your truth.

If our context is our magnetic north—the internal positioning we need to maximize the return on our deal—our truth is our perfectly calibrated compass, it will point us to our context. That’s why I’ve phrased this step so boldly. If we don’t have the right approach, we won’t even be able to articulate a context, let alone have one in place that will inevitably fail.

If we want to build a strong foundation for our negotiations, we need to be completely self-aware and in control of what we really want – we need Clarity. Without starting from a point of Clarity, everything else will just be listless half-measures, no matter how well-crafted your strategy seems. Without Clarity, your position is compromised from the start.

At the core of Clarity lies your truth.

I’m not talking about simple facts, anecdotes or feelings. The truth required is more fundamental. It requires in-depth preparation and hard, inner work that you might not want to confront. When we fail in negotiations, it can almost always be traced back to a failure to do the depth and breadth of the inner work needed to access your truth at the foundational level.

Without a real and honest foundation, your negotiations will seem flippant. As soon as you’re met with pushback on any of your objectives, it will be easier for you to move from one objective to the next or lose track of your objectives and just try conclude the negotiating feeling like you’ve won or, at least done okay.. For an Authentic Negotiator, that is not a win. And your counterpart will perceive your actions as some sort of gambit, costing you valuable credibility. Without knowledge of your real truth as an anchor, you’re set adrift.

One thing that keeps us at a distance from our truth is fear. We’re afraid of what we might have to confront about ourselves if we dig down too deep, afraid of what memories we might root up, afraid of what we don’t know about ourselves. We need to abandon that fear before we can move forward. The opportunity to identify these difficult aspects of ourselves, and own them, should be viewed as a space for growth and development as individuals. Once we’re unafraid (or courageous enough to move forward in the face of fear), we can begin to actively pursue our truth.

It’s not something that’s made manifest. Truth needs uncovered, discovered. You will need to be deliberate in your search for truth. That means allowing yourself the time, space and energy to embark on the journey. Our schedules are so busy, I know, but if you want to be a truly great negotiator, this is exactly the kind of work we need to make time for. Taking a day off to step back and think things over, or just allocating an hour here and there for visioning sessions will prove enormously helpful in your quest for your truth.

Some of my favorite Clarity missions were escaping to my place at the lake, alone for a day or two, completely unplugged, with 100 percent of my focus on my upcoming negotiation. I understand that’s not always easy to fit in, but these sessions can be whatever you need them to be—find an hour of quiet alone time, go for a run or a bike ride, mediate or pray, do some yoga. Whatever gets you centered and helps clear your mind so that you can find your truth is essential preparation for a successful negotiation.

Being a great negotiator starts with honest and rigorous self-evaluation. The hardest part can be getting started. Take my Authentic Negotiating Success Quiz to see how close you are to becoming a great negotiator.

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Corey Kupfer is an expert strategist, negotiator and dealmaker. He has more than 35 years of professional deal-making and negotiating experience. Corey is a successful entrepreneur, attorney, consultant, author and professional speaker who is passionate about deal-driven growth. He is also the creator and host of the DealQuest Podcast.

If you want to find out how deal-ready you are, take the Deal- Ready Assessment today!

There are steps you can take to become a great negotiator, but all of your efforts will be fruitless if your foundation is weak. Becoming a great negotiator isn’t about mastering all the techniques and tactics. No singular skill set can make you a great negotiator. That’s because the kind of greatness I am talking about, and the achievement of true success that I teach, is a state of being.

Sure, there are certain negotiating frameworks, techniques and tactics that can be useful, but tactics can only take you so far. Great negotiating isn’t a switch that you can turn on when you sit down at the table and turn off once the deal is done. Authentic Negotiating principles must become enmeshed with the fabric of your personality and belief system. Authenticity needs to become a part of who you are if you are going to have any success applying my philosophy to your negotiations.

Attempting to apply the exhaustive list of negotiating techniques without the underlying principles of Authentic Negotiating is trying to build a building without first laying the foundation. You might seem like you know what you’re doing. You might have a strong blueprint and feel like your argument is sturdy, but if you’re coming from a place that lets in fear, scarcity, upset, anger or rigidity, you’re doomed to fail no matter how well you can exercise the tactics you’ve learned.

When CDE—a commitment to Clarity of objective, Detachment from outcomes, and Equilibrium of demeanor—is a fundamental part of who you are, you’re able to embody the deeper qualities of successful negotiators. Authenticity and quiet confidence will guide your behavior and decision making at the table, and you will be acting with integrity, from within. Now your techniques take on a different feel. They aren’t manipulative ploys that you need to fear being found out and unraveling your deal, but instead you can present honest in-roads to your objectives.

This all sounds high-minded and idealistic – and I’ll admit, it is, to a degree –but it’s also true, and I speak this way because I believe it. Based on over thirty-years of professional and personal negotiating experience, I have become clear on what leads to success and what doesn’t. In the case of becoming a great negotiator, I have learned from negotiating on behalf of clients and on my own deals but most deeply from my moments of failure.

The master isn’t the master because he’s completed consuming the available knowledge on a topic or practice. He’s a master because his learning is evergreen and sourced from every bit of life. If I’m called a negotiating guru, it’s because I’ve committed my life and career to advancing the thinking around the discipline, and I’m constantly learning, growing and improving as a person and professional.

I think of an illustration I saw once. An entertainer is on stage, masterfully spinning plates on sticks that are balanced on each hand, even one on his chin. The audience is jaw-dropped at the unparalleled, singular talent. Behind him, blocked from the audience’s view is a circuitous trail of shattered plates leading all the way to the stage. The takeaway? Up until the moment before he stepped on that stage, he was always working and learning from each failure.

I’ve failed before by abandoning the state of being I knew I needed to inhabit to succeed.

A couple of years ago, I had ended a tense business relationship and my emotions were still running too high. Someone (who had no firsthand knowledge of me but only a perception painted by his employer) from the company with whom I had parted ways called me several months later. I took the unscheduled call with no preparation. Still upset and frustrated, I lost it. I got reactive and angry. CDE, CPR, all of my foundational principles sloughed off of me because I didn’t prepare, connect or embrace them as part of my being. There were several compounding factors that completely threw off my state of being, and I realized this upon deeper reflection.

I should have had my assistant reschedule the call. I should have given myself time to decompress and prepare for it. I should have recalled my CPR framework to regain my CDE.

I should have stayed much more connected to a powerful context.

Being a great negotiator starts with honest and rigorous self-evaluation. The hardest part can be getting started. Take my Authentic Negotiating Success Quiz to see how close you are to becoming a great negotiator.

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Corey Kupfer is an expert strategist, negotiator and dealmaker. He has more than 35 years of professional deal-making and negotiating experience. Corey is a successful entrepreneur, attorney, consultant, author and professional speaker who is passionate about deal-driven growth. He is also the creator and host of the DealQuest Podcast.

If you want to find out how deal-ready you are, take the Deal- Ready Assessment today!

You were able to use Clarity and Sakichi Toyada’s “5 Whys” to get down to the core reason of why you want a raise. That’s a huge step and one that is completely necessary to being an Authentic Negotiator who can expect success at the negotiation table. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees and we need to be prepared to walk away.

With that comes more necessary internal work with Clarity. Being crystal clear on your main objective is an essential guide, but before you enter into your salary negotiation, you need to be clear on all of your possible alternatives and what trade-offs you’re willing to make.

In the second part of our chat, Sylvie di Giusto and I unpack how to approach these alternatives and what they can mean to a successful negotiation: Keys to Successfully Negotiating a Raise Pt. 2.

First, and most basic, have a range that you’re comfortable with. Don’t lock into that $10,000 number you have in mind. It’s okay to accept incremental change now if it means you can strengthen your relationship with your employer and gain the raise you really want further down the road but next time from a higher starting point. This is almost implicit with any salary negotiation, but it’s not enough to have an idea. There should be a number below which is a non-starter.

What about other alternatives? Would you accept more PTO in exchange for less money? Could you negotiate a four-day workweek to give you more time to work on a side project and supplement your income that way? You need to know what other options could be on the table and which of them you are willing to accept. If you enter into a negotiation without these outcomes in mind, you’re setting yourself up to start flailing as soon as your primary objective seems compromised.

There’s a concept I often recall from a book by Bruce Patton, Roger Fisher, and William Ury titled Getting to YES. The concept is called BATNA or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. It outlines in finer detail what I’ve described here. Knowing your BATNA or accepting your BATNA isn’t a point of weakness. To an Authentic Negotiator, your BATNA is leverage.

A fact of negotiations is that they can fail, and you need to be prepared to walk away. I talk a lot about Detachment, the “D” of my CDE philosophy. When you have a Best Alternative to turn to if your deal turns sour, you can remain detached from the outcome and not risk compromising your objectives. Accepting a result that isn’t aligned with what you’ve established as your bottom line—whether it’s the floor of your salary ask or the four-day workweek—should never be the end result of your negotiation.

If you have an attractive BATNA, your supervisor knows that they aren’t your only option and that there are things that you won’t, and don’t have to, accept. The key is that your BATNA should be comparable to what you’re asking for and what your employer can offer. If it’s obviously less, you lose leverage, and exposing it can compromise your position. Doing this work and defining your BATNA will help you improve the terms of your employment and fulfill the “why” you worked so hard to unearth. That’s a successful negotiation. If you cannot achieve that, your BATNA might be to find another job or start your own business but, if you would prefer to stay with your employer, doing the work I recommend will give you the best chance of doing so and achieving your negotiating objective at the same time.

Discussing money and raises can be a sensitive subject from both sides, and when talking about your life and livelihood, emotions can run high. The good news is that we can take the sensitivity and emotion out of the equation. My Authentic Negotiating philosophy and tools can be learned, and with the right practice and training, anyone can become an Authentic Negotiator. First, you’ll need Clarity about your negotiating strengths and weaknesses. My Authentic Negotiating Success Quiz can get you started.

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Corey Kupfer is an expert strategist, negotiator and dealmaker. He has more than 35 years of professional deal-making and negotiating experience. Corey is a successful entrepreneur, attorney, consultant, author and professional speaker who is passionate about deal-driven growth. He is also the creator and host of the DealQuest Podcast.

If you want to find out how deal-ready you are, take the Deal- Ready Assessment today!

You’ve achieved Clarity and successfully Detached yourself from the outcome of your deal. How do you sustain and leverage the advantage that Clarity and Detachment give you? Maintain your Equilibrium.

In a previous article I shared on Detachment, I discussed an old opponent, Henry who, in being unable to detach from the outcomes he needed to gain for his clients became so emotionally overwrought that all I needed to do was act calmly and control the conversation once he’d tired of ranting. Henry had completely lost his Equilibrium, and with it, lost control of his position in our deal.

While gaining Clarity and Detachment takes you a long way toward being able to maintain Equilibrium, it can be lost all its own. Negotiations are rarely straightforward, wholly lighthearted affairs. They can get heated, and even the best negotiators have felt the pull of emotion trying to compromise their position. It’s possible to remain crystal clear on your objectives and be willing to walk away if the deal isn’t going to result in what you want, but still find yourself emotionally on tilt because your opposition is offending, acting unethically, challenging you or your assumptions or using manipulative negotiating tactics.

There are a few crucial things we can do to avoid losing our Equilibrium before it derails our deals.

Calibrate</h2

What do you do to calm and center yourself when you are stressed or times are tough? Maybe you meditate or go for a run. Do you talk things out with a trusted friend or colleague? Perhaps some breathing exercises or a calming playlist do the trick. Whatever it is that works for you, try hard to do it in advance of your negotiating session. The better your Equilibrium heading in, the better you’ll be able to maintain.

Recognize

We need to be able to recognize when we’re on the verge of becoming upset or frustrated or shortsighted. Your heartrate increasing or your face feeling flushed are reliable indicators that you might be out of balance. If your thoughts become myopic and fixated, you need to move past your hang-up and remain focused on the bigger picture. Externally, you should know in advance what kind of things coming from the other side are potential triggers. Being prepared for the worst can be a strong firewall for your Equilibrium while taking some of your opponents most important pieces off the board.

Stop Trying to Change Them

Any negotiation is a “bend-don’t-break” proposition. Tactics that purposefully push people into the emotional deep end are meant to create a zero-sum scenario that would otherwise be a non-starter. The most certain way to fall victim to this tactic and sacrifice your Equilibrium is to engage at that level and try to change the behavior of your opponent. Instead of focusing on ways to control that which is out of your control, do the internal work and choose to change your response.

Reframe

Instead of taking offense to your opponent’s tactics and letting them effect you on an emotional level, maintain your Equilibrium by reframing what this kind of behavior coming from across the table actually means. If they are resorting to bully tactics and cheap tricks, it’s probably because they’ve got no other play or they were poorly trained. Even if it’s untrue, thinking this way to reorient yourself and get back to center can save a negotiation.

It can really be this simple: Clarity, Detachment, and finally, Equilibrium. Still, it takes hard work to gain control of these three pillars and becomes a truly Authentic Negotiator. Are you prepared to do the tough internal work necessary to succeed in negotiations? My Authentic Negotiating Success Quiz can show you what you’re doing well and how much work still lies ahead of you on the road to Authentic Negotiating.

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Corey Kupfer is an expert strategist, negotiator and dealmaker. He has more than 35 years of professional deal-making and negotiating experience. Corey is a successful entrepreneur, attorney, consultant, author and professional speaker who is passionate about deal-driven growth. He is also the creator and host of the DealQuest Podcast.

If you want to find out how deal-ready you are, take the Deal- Ready Assessment today!

There’s a crucial difference between winning a negotiation and getting what you want from a deal. It’s possible to win a negotiation and still suffer significant losses relative to what you set out to accomplish. My goal is never to win a negotiation. My goal is always to achieve my or my client’s objectives. That might seem like an intuitive definition of winning, but you’d be surprised at how often objectives get compromised and twisted in the heat of the back and forth just to get a “win.”

That’s why it’s crucial to never lose track of what you’re trying to achieve. Recently, I talked with Sylvie di Giusto, of Executive Image Consulting about the keys to successfully negotiating a raise. We got onto the topic of winning, what it really takes to win, and what winning really means.

I found that negotiating a raise was a useful case study because, on the surface, it seems purely mechanical and superficial. When we’re asking for a raise, the first thing on our minds is more money, “I want a $10,000 raise,” for example. But if you go into your salary negotiation with this narrow ask, you’ll almost certainly not win your negotiation, and it will even be difficult to identify if you’ve really succeeded. Maybe your current workload is enough to merit the pay raise and in your mind the new salary level is simply more commensurate with the value of the work you’re already doing. Your employer agrees to the raise, but now expectations have risen. Longer hours, more projects—is that a win or a breakeven at best?

That’s why Clarity – the first pillar of my CDE philosophy – is essential to identify what a successful outcome looks like ahead of time. Why do you want a raise? You can’t stop your inquiry at “I want more money.” Why do you want more money? “I have kids and I want to be able to pay for them to go to college.” Why do you want to pay for their tuition? “I never had the opportunity to go to college and I want to be able to provide that for them.”

There it is. That’s your purpose, that’s what you’re negotiating for: to send your kids to college and to provide them an opportunity that you never had. You can see how much different that answer is than “I want to make more money,” and now you’ve positioned yourself in a way that your supervisor can connect to; now the negotiation isn’t adversarial but collaborative.

To help understand the power of “why?” I’d point readers to a concept developed by Sakichi Toyoda, founder of Toyota Industries in Japan. It’s called “5 Whys,” and it’s a technique he used throughout his legendary career to troubleshoot problems by getting down to the root cause. He observed that typically any problem, malfunction, or point of conflict could be resolved by drilling down to the root cause and that, in his experience, five rounds of repeating and answering the question “why?” would lead to the answer he needed. His technique is one that I use to this day to help me achieve the Clarity I need to succeed in negotiations.

It never ceases to amaze me how critical Clarity is to Authentic Negotiating. It’s the pillar upon which all else is built. The best part is that all of these, especially Clarity, can be learned, and with the right practice and training, anyone can become an Authentic Negotiator. First, you’ll need Clarity about your negotiating strengths and weaknesses. My Authentic Negotiating Success Quiz can get you started.

Be sure to sign-up for access to my monthly Newsletter for Part 2 of negotiating a raise.

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Corey Kupfer is an expert strategist, negotiator and dealmaker. He has more than 35 years of professional deal-making and negotiating experience. Corey is a successful entrepreneur, attorney, consultant, author and professional speaker who is passionate about deal-driven growth. He is also the creator and host of the DealQuest Podcast.

If you want to find out how deal-ready you are, take the Deal- Ready Assessment today!